Dear Husband, I promise never to brag to people that you've watched our children while I went out to eat, shopped, or watched a movie
I'm all sorts of upset about mothers lately. As the big gold letters at the top of this blog suggest, I'm all about being a person. I think personhood is the greatest personal success that anybody can achieve. And it's somehow more difficult to do than you'd imagine! This is why I was so excited yesterday to read "I'm Not a 'Mother-First'" in The Nation and consequently so disgusted to see a facebook post from someone thanking her husband, aka her baby's father, for being so wonderful and taking care of their child while she went shopping. Apparently, it just takes a few hours of baby-minding to be husband of the year?
Anyway, what makes me most cranky is that the article in The Nation, though wonderful in its honesty, fails to mention any of the less-political consequences of a world of "mother-firsts." What happens to these ladies when their children grow up and move out? If you haven't had a life of your own in 18 years, if you haven't been a person, what in the hell will you do with yourself? This is dangerous. This is when ladies have affairs or run away to read some books and meditate.
I work in student services, so I know what the other mothers do: they continue to mother their should-be adult children. I talk to so many mothers of people over 20 on a regular basis... "My son, Johnny, forgot his password." "My son, Brandon needs to know his professor's name..." I want to shake them and scream: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! TELL JOHNNY TO CALL ME! "But he's a full-time student." Of course he is, and you have nothing better to do than call me, right? These women turn out to be the mother-in-laws that the next generation of mother-firsts dread. These women try to nurse their grandkids.
You'll notice here that "Johnny" and "Brandon" are boys' names. When we live in a "mother-first" society, we praise our fathers for giving up 10 of their precious man-minutes to take care of their own children. We expect women to be "mothers-first," but we also expect them to clean the house, have a job, take care of their husbands... Why can't we all just be people? Why should this be so difficult?
Anyway, what makes me most cranky is that the article in The Nation, though wonderful in its honesty, fails to mention any of the less-political consequences of a world of "mother-firsts." What happens to these ladies when their children grow up and move out? If you haven't had a life of your own in 18 years, if you haven't been a person, what in the hell will you do with yourself? This is dangerous. This is when ladies have affairs or run away to read some books and meditate.
I work in student services, so I know what the other mothers do: they continue to mother their should-be adult children. I talk to so many mothers of people over 20 on a regular basis... "My son, Johnny, forgot his password." "My son, Brandon needs to know his professor's name..." I want to shake them and scream: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! TELL JOHNNY TO CALL ME! "But he's a full-time student." Of course he is, and you have nothing better to do than call me, right? These women turn out to be the mother-in-laws that the next generation of mother-firsts dread. These women try to nurse their grandkids.
You'll notice here that "Johnny" and "Brandon" are boys' names. When we live in a "mother-first" society, we praise our fathers for giving up 10 of their precious man-minutes to take care of their own children. We expect women to be "mothers-first," but we also expect them to clean the house, have a job, take care of their husbands... Why can't we all just be people? Why should this be so difficult?
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